The Best Australian Humorous Writing Read online

  Contents

  Introduction

  Andrew O’Keefe and Steve Vizard

  Everyday Life

  Teacherwoman

  Olga Pavlinova Olenich

  Torn between satay skewers and children as an endangered species

  Wendy Harmer

  Love is never saying sorry … so there

  Danny Katz

  Listen up, you selfish and ignorant people. Stop driving 4WDs

  Catherine Deveny

  Song of the crestfallen pigeon

  Suzanne Edgar

  My 2UE producer noticed a tendency for me to nod off during interviews. In my own defence, they lined up some boring farts

  Phillip Adams

  My father sat on Winston Churchill

  Shaun Micallef

  Idle hands make for short nails

  Julia Zemiro

  My loyal subjects and possums! A seasonal message from President Edna

  Dame Edna Everage

  Politics

  Phwoarr, check out the policies on Julia Gillard

  Kaz Cooke

  The right wing

  Guy Rundle

  The pollies went a little crackers

  Mungo MacCallum

  All is not lost when you can see success in anything

  Frank Devine

  Er, thanks for your support. No, don’t call us, we’ll call you

  Marieke Hardy

  Don’t worry, just testing

  Guy Rundle

  Society

  Adventures in LA-Land

  Mark Dapin

  Fame

  Les Murray

  Seven modern wonders indeed? I think not

  Roy Slaven

  Corporatising culture: Who holds the past in common trust?

  Malcolm Knox

  The perfectly bad sentence

  Clive James

  In from a busy day at Barwon jail, Carl asks for a fair go

  Shane Maloney

  Environment, Science and Technology

  On climate change

  Clive James

  Contact

  Paul Mitchell

  Planet Earth: Beware of the chimps

  Kaz Cooke

  Modern telecoms run rings around me

  Barry Cohen

  Popular Entertainment

  I came, I buzzed, I lost

  David Astle

  You just know it will be deliciously messy

  Ian Cuthbertson

  Madonna’s latest offering leaves listener pondering: Just because she can, does it mean she should?

  Larissa Dubecki

  A time to repent: Big Brother’s over

  Marieke Hardy

  Lashings of lust curved up by Nigella

  Marieke Hardy

  Interview with Ja’mie King

  Garry Williams

  The Chaser’s Logies

  Andrew Hansen, Dominic Knight, Chas Licciardello, Julian Morrow and Craig Reucassel

  The Arts

  Cook’s tour: Peter Cook

  Shane Maloney

  The satire we had to have: Keating

  Alexander Downer

  So Ian McKellen drops his trousers to play King Lear. That sums up the RSC’s whole approach

  Germaine Greer

  Group giggles groovy again

  Rod Quantock

  Business

  Packed it in: The demise of the Bulletin

  Gideon Haigh

  It’s a loathe-hate relationship, but at least I own a slice

  Frank Devine

  Lies, damned lies

  Charles Firth

  Sport

  Pump more beer, iron out muscle

  Matthew Hardy

  Having a ball: How we finally fell in love with the world game

  Tony Wilson

  Lifestyle

  A hookworm’s-eye view of the world around us

  Charles Firth

  The Library hotel, Thailand, and other hip hotels

  Steve Vizard

  Who cares if she can’t sing and can’t dance? Posh Spice is the Damien Hirst of dress-wearing

  Germaine Greer

  Fashion pinkoes are the fifth columnists of masculinity

  Peter Lalor

  Silence of the lamb

  John Lethlean

  Telly tubbies

  John Lethlean

  Rude food

  Graeme Blundell

  Contributors

  Acknowledgements

  Introduction

  When I was nine, my brother Andy and I cut out a mail-order advertisement from the back page of our Phantom comic. The small advertisement promised delivery within seven days of “the world’s best collection of postage stamps sourced from all four corners of the globe”. I remember the word “best”, just as I remember the expression “all four corners of the globe”.

  Andy watched as I reverentially filled out the form and then we walked hand in hand to the post box at the end of Inverness Way, beyond which the known world ended.

  These were the hazy days when summers came earlier and were hotter and drier and bluer. For seven days Andy and I sweated by our letterbox as cicadas roared and Mrs Pappas and the other neighbours smiled in collusion. On the seventh day, exactly as promised, the postie’s whistle sounded.

  It was a tiny brown cardboard box, the sort we had read about in Enid Blyton stories, the sort that never arrive now. I removed the lid and paper sprang out like square confetti.

  The world’s best stamps.

  Andy and I painstakingly set them out in rows on the good dining room table. One hundred and thirty-seven stamps in all. Five Australian kangaroos. Exotic triangular stamps marked Polska and Yemen featuring animals. I remember a leopard and a monster but-terfly with luminescent blue wings. A dull stamp with pictures of a city by a lake from somewhere called Helvetia. And one grey stamp featuring a profile that even a nine year old couldn’t fail to identify, the visage of Adolf Hitler.

  And I remember thinking, the best? The best? How can I know this is the best?

  There was no doubt that the 137 stamps were good. To a highly trained 9-year-old’s eye it was patently clear the Hitler stamp alone must be a scarce collector’s item. Andy and I were fairly confident after deliberation that the Führer must have personally licked our stamp, most probably in his bunker or at the 1936 Olympic Games, and we dreamt of Messerschmitts and Jesse Owens.

  But the best?

  Surely there were other stamps that might have qualified for the best. We didn’t know much about philately but we knew enough to recall a zeppelin stamp, an upside-down zeppelin, which had failed to find its way into our box. And wasn’t there something about a Penny Black that might have made the cut?

  Why had they called it the best? Who had picked the best? Was it a man? Or a woman? What did they look like? Did they have children like me? Where had they made their decisions? Was it in a room? I remember the location printed on the cardboard box was a mysterious Hornsby. Who were these Hornsby arbiters of all that is best? Was there a committee? A discussion? A vote? What did their kids say? Come to think of it, surely the Hornsby experts hadn’t gone through this whole process of advertising on the back of Phantom and selecting the cream of the crop merely to dispatch one box of stamps? Were there other boxes of the best nestled in other canvas postie sacks in the other back streets of our continent? Were their bests the same as our best? How many types of best are there?

  I struggled to sleep each night in the countdown to the arrival of Father Christmas, certain these questions would plague me forever. Or until the arrival three weeks later of a red 26” Malvern Star, the best two-wheeler ever made.


  After that long summer our lives were forever calibrated by a succession of bests.

  The best showbag at the Royal Agricultural Show, a mouthwatering assortment of Bertie Beetles and chocolate frogs and cartoons, purchased as we twelve year olds trudged past sheds of bloated Herefords and arenas of axe-yielding Tasmanian timbermen, pondering how to maximise our 20-cent investment.

  The best dozen Australian wine assortment, a mix of Australia’s best reds and best whites as offered by Westpac in an envelope containing my monthly bank statements.

  The best of the seventies, a musical compilation of original recordings, a late-night television offer: phone now and we’ll toss in the best of the nineties.

  The best university, the best cricketer, the best school, the best airline, the best of ABBA, the best of the best.

  If the best is mercurial, the best humorous writing is totally elusive. One publisher contacted for clearance rights to an essay for inclusion in this anthology remarked of our request, “If it’s supposed to be humorous, why would you want to include a piece by him? He writes about politics”. Spitting out the word politics, as though the subject were the black hole of humour. Conflating object and form. Forgetting that humour is rarely about what one is looking at, but almost always how.

  It is true, some subjects are more intrinsically amusing than others. Sir Ian McKellen as Lear disrobing to reveal his mesmerisingly outsize member gives Germaine Greer a head start. And Rude Food, the subject of Graeme Blundell’s television critique, raises a smirk before a word is read.

  Even if the subjects are not intrinsically funny, all of the writers represented in this collection are. Humour more than any other human condition is in the eye of the beholder. Each of these writers has a knack of beholding things through funny eyes.

  In choosing works for this volume we have tried to accommodate the fickleness of subjectivity and have cast our net wide. Represented here is a large number of creators writing in a variety of styles across many media.

  There is a diversity of form—essays, reviews, commentary, opinions, editorials and even poetry, such as Les Murray’s distilled reflections on fame.

  There is a diversity of subject matter. From Julia Zemiro’s reminiscences of shoplifting and her childhood relationship with her father, to Clive James’s personal encounter with climate change.

  For most of 2007 the nation’s attention was devoted to the prospect of an Australian federal election. Several of the works take the inexorable manoeuvrings towards November as their subject, including Mungo MacCallum’s commentary on the doomed Coalition campaign; Kaz Cooke’s reflections on Julia Gillard and the public’s expectations of female politicians; Guy Rundle’s reversioning of The West Wing; and Frank Devine’s opinions on political schadenfreude.

  Unlike essayists, writers of humour often set their sights low, microscopically low, targeting the minutiae of everyday life. For Catherine Deveny it’s the outrage at the owners of 4WDs; for Barry Cohen it’s the problem of modern telecommunication providers; and for Wendy Harmer it’s the gripe of entertaining children, even her own. Tiny targets and large truths.

  The media, television in particular, continue to play a growing role in the lives of all Australians and they have a commensurate significance in many of our contributions, including The Chaser’s thoughts about the Logie Awards and Marieke Hardy’s reflections on the curvaceous television chef Nigella Lawson.

  Surprisingly, Australia lacks a tradition of publications dedicated to humorous writing, such as Britain’s Punch, Private Eye and Spectator, or National Lampoon and The New Yorker in the United States. In any case, we have sought to include a diversity of original publishers and intended readers—newspapers, quarterly essays, academic journals, magazines, speeches, public broadcasters. And there is a spread of the internationally famous and those who deserve to be much better known.

  As to the perennial question—Do Australians have a distinctively Australian sense of humour?—we leave that to the reader. It is true that the editor’s job is to make a selection, and it goes without saying that this anthology is representative of what we find humorous. But at its heart, this is a selection intended for those who want to find their own connections. There is no fundamental order. There is no narrative throughline, no implied thesis, nor a beginning, middle and end. On the contrary, there are myriad beginnings, plenty of middles and at least two ends. The connections in this anthology might be found less in the order we have imposed upon the works, more in what the reader finds and how the reader uses them. The connections will be found in random readings on a beach towel, on a toilet or waiting in an airport lounge. It is a lucky dip. It is a lazy Sunday morning yum cha. It is a best value showbag.

  Something for everyone might be one way of describing this collection.

  Whether the something is enough, or the everyone is too many, is ultimately a matter for each reader. It is true the anthology contains almost fifty pieces, a ridiculous number even by Hits of the Seventies compilation standards. Some will argue less is more. Possibly. But this anthology is designed for those who remember hotter, bluer, sunnier summers and believe more is more.

  Many years on, I can say with certainty that the small box of postage stamps was indeed the best collection in the only way that mattered. It was the best to me.

  Andrew O’Keefe

  and Steve Vizard

  September 2008

  Everyday Life

  OLGA PAVLINOVA OLENICH

  Teacherwoman

  Perhaps a quarter of a century ago. Can it be that long? A tech school in the northern suburbs of Melbourne. Near the large sprawling cemetery and the big Ford factory. Convenient for the Turkish workers who are dying like flies. Not so convenient for me. I have to come in from the city on the train which smells of piss and beer and cigarettes. I try not to look at my fellow passengers. Eye contact not recommended.

  I am very young. Straight out of uni. I’ve decided to become a teacher because I want to travel and I need the money. Around Christmas I saw an ad in the papers asking for graduates to swell the depleted ranks of the much-maligned profession. The offer is a good one. It is not the conventional route into teaching. There is no contract to go out there and teach in some godforsaken country town for two years; there is just the offer of money and some “training” which turns out to be the biggest hoax since Ern Malley had a go. The lecturers are less qualified than I am and more interested in getting me into the sack than imparting any skills or knowledge of the “how to be a teacher” kind. Not that you can teach anyone to be a teacher. As I am about to find out. Of course, I have volunteered for the least palatable of the schools on offer. I figure, if I’m going to do this, I’m going to do it without the sugar coating. No Prime of Miss Jean Brodie for me.

  Roger Hale is sitting in the rubbish bin again. He is a squirt of a kid with a nasty intelligent little face. The intelligence is a surprise but not a good one. He gets away with murder in a place where intelligence goes unrecognised. I leave him in the rubbish bin. From the first English lesson, I have realised that making a fuss about it is just what he expects and hopes for. He is prepared for the standoff. Past experience has taught him he will win. He is a lot more clever than the average teacher and he knows it. He starts classes by sitting in the rubbish bin and shocking his teacher. This is how he provokes the first joust and how he gets control. So he was outraged when I ignored him the first time and let him spend the whole hour in the bin, which must have been uncomfortable. Now it’s a matter of principle for him to sit in the bin throughout my English class.

  English! Now there’s a subject you want to be teaching in a flimsy portable classroom stuck out on a dry paddock away from the main buildings like some stinking outhouse, especially to a class of boys, described on the tatty cover of their class roll as “3F–K”. 3F–K. What brilliant bureaucratic mind decided that the dead-end class of adolescent boys who were just waiting to get out of school at the magic age of fifteen shoul
d be categorised as 3F–K? Were there no other cut-off points in the alphabet that might have served just as well? Of course, some of the boys have got to the roll already. The cover is very decorative. The word fuck appears forty-two times, mostly spelt correctly but with the occasional aberration, a “c” left out, an “o” where the “u” should be. ESL I presume, or perhaps not. Everything is possible in 3F–K. And then there are the illustrations. Crude is an inadequate word to describe what has been drawn on the cover of the 3F–K roll. Anyway, it’s a start, I tell them, waving the thing in front of me. It’s a poem. An illustrated poem. It rhymes. What does it rhyme with, apart from itself: fuck, fuck, fuck?

  “Stuck,” says Roger from the bin and I start laughing. So do the 3F–K boys. Even Roger can’t help laughing. He makes a show of struggling out of the bin.

  “Fuck miss, I’m stuck,” he says. It’s hilarious. We are screaming with laughter. I sober up eventually and take up the posture of the schoolteacher again. It strikes me, for the first time, that it’s lucky I’m in a portable where no-one can hear us. It also strikes me that I was born to this teaching thing. A frightening thought, but the adrenalin is pumping. I’m actually loving this. And I can smell victory. Blow me away if I haven’t got to these boys. They’re laughing: they’re looking at me with anticipation, and laughing. I’ve actually got to them. It’s going to be some struggle but I just know that I’ve got to them. In an instant, I know.

  The Turks are okay. They’ve still got a residual respect for the institution of school, not quite the veneration they would have had for the village school back in Turkey, but something of the old attitudes remains, something their parents have managed to drill into them between the crippling shifts at the Ford factory. The teacher is the teacher. An important person. Well, maybe. The Yugoslavs are a different matter. They’re just plain insolent. I’m young. I’m a “girl” with a Russian name, not so foreign to their ears, and there is no way they’re going to let me boss them around. Three of them are called Dragan. I find this quite amusing. So amusing that I invent an excuse to call them over the PA system under the eye of the very conventional principal who doesn’t suspect me until I make the announcement. “Would all the dragons in 3F–K come to the music room to practise their scales,” I say glibly, and I give the principal a sweet look. He is clearly confused. Not so the Dragans who may be thick but have never been called up like this before and see it as a kind of honour. The staff are laughing. The Dragans are laughing.