The Best Australian Humorous Writing Page 6

  Not only had he been ideologically quiescent during the campaign but he had climate change and water supply taken away from him and placed with a new ministry briefed for serious action.

  As well, the second arm of Garrett’s portfolio might be interpreted as a cruel hint from the Prime Minister that defending frog habitats, overgrown eucalypt forests and weeds from attack by dams, desalination plants, farmers, mines, airports and highways is less a noble cause than a tributary of showbusiness.

  While unproductive, Rudd’s signing of the Kyoto agreement will cause a severe depletion of the Greens’ whingeing resources and devastate their self-righteous posturing.

  We haven’t heard from the neo-Rousseauians yet but their pain will be a treat to observe when they wake up to the extent of their disarmament by Rudd’s apologising to Aborigines for past injustices.

  We of the cheerful class are most pleased by the unhurried way the Prime Minister is approaching the withdrawal of combat troops from Iraq, in planned consultation with the US. This is, indeed, a matter calling for prudence. It’s one thing to remove fighting men from a losing campaign, another to have them scurry away from an onerously won prospect of success.

  Many people may wonder where the war in Iraq has gone, since there has been hardly any media coverage or pundit commentary over the past two or three months. Perhaps coincidentally, this period has seen a significant turnaround of the conflict in favour of our side.

  Industrious prowling through cyberspace delivers reliable accounts of the reinforced American military (and their 550 Australian comrades) routing al-Qa’ida in Mesopotamia and damaging and frustrating home-grown militias sufficiently to turn local populations against them. Violence has been notably reduced in Baghdad. Iraqis who fled their country are starting to return, a reported 46,000 in October alone.

  The New York Times, the most ferocious of anti-Bush, antiwar campaigners, has largely let the war slide from its front page, after it dominated for five years. In compensation, Times commentary has dwelt, until a month or so ago, on political progress not following military success.

  However, Shia and Sunni appear to be seeking accommodation. The Iraqi government is rehiring relatively large numbers of Sunnis who were ejected from public service jobs after the fall of Saddam Hussein. Though parliament has not yet passed a law specifying a system for distributing oil revenues among the provinces, the government is fairly equitably handing over the money.

  Of profound strategic significance is the government’s reportedly favourable attitude to permanent US bases in Iraq.

  With a dainty turn of phrase, The New York Times notes that US presidential candidates are seeking “tonal adjustments” of their Iraq positions. After wavering for a long time, Hillary Clinton declared herself anti-war when the Democrats won a congressional majority a year ago. The latest Rasmussen poll shows her trailing leading Republican candidate and war supporter Rudy Giuliani.

  With the schadenfreude prospect of watching some awkward clearing of the throat by our own proclaimers of American humiliation in the morass of Iraq, it’s no wonder I’m cheerful.

  MARIEKE HARDY

  Er, thanks for your support. No, don’t call us, we’ll call you

  “I would like to keep our place like it is and I guess (joining the) Liberals would be natural.” This was the important announcement this week from a colourful and in no way unhinged Sydney resident, Kate McCulloch of Camden, after she had successfully prodded at her local council to reject a proposed building site for an Islamic school.

  This, of course, was after she’d appeared on television wearing an oversized Akubra hat that had Australian flag postcards stapled to it like a misguidedly patriotic entrant in a primary school parade, blithely referred to our general Muslim population as “the ones that come here”, and then rounded off by declaring that famous colonials John and Elizabeth Macarthur would no doubt be on Team McCulloch were they a) alive and b) remotely concerned with local education-based planning issues. She certainly couldn’t be accused of being dull.

  What the Liberal Party made of her coy public flirtations can only be a matter of speculation. Presumably they spent the ensuing hours changing their locks and answering the phone using a comedy accent and repeating the words “Brendan Nelson? Nobody here by that name, sorry”, though this is, of course, guesswork.

  Who knows, perhaps a wild-eyed maverick with a fondness for controversially divisive politics and potentially slanderous quips may be just the thing they’re looking for. Wilson Tuckey won’t live forever, you know.

  With folk like Tuckey and McCulloch in mind, I’ll proffer this alarming truth: you can never hand pick those who appoint themselves as mouthpieces for your particular cause. And more’s the pity, too. No doubt there were a small number of Camden residents who may well have opposed the Islamic school solely on planning grounds and would have quietly preferred rabid “get orf my land” types like McCulloch to shut the hell up and let them handle things, but those few, it’s sad to note, never made it to the papers. What was that Groucho said about not wanting to belong to any club that would have you as a member?

  As a young lady with left-leaning tendencies, I’m far happier when the acerbic wit of comedian Jon Stewart steps up to bat for my side, rather than the interminable musical stylings of John Butler. It could be an entirely personal thing, but a well-timed satirical knockknock joke seems able to prick a few more consciences than an eight-minute marimba solo.

  Bill Hicks is infinitely preferable to the caterwauling of the Dixie Chicks, Stephen Colbert is hands-down more punk rock than Rage Against the Machine will ever be, and Chris Martin from Coldplay seems a nice enough chap but should almost certainly stop writing about coffee beans all over his hands and just play the piano.

  Michael Franti’s another sanctimonious prig the left may be relatively pleased to get rid of. If I see one more interview where he pads around barefoot proclaiming to be a “citizen of the Earth” I’m going to stab someone. Why can’t he be a spokesman for baby-kicking and identity theft? At the very least I’d feel less guilty about throwing things at him every time he busts out that tepid bumper sticker rhyme, “We can bomb the world to pieces, but we can’t bomb it to peace.” Right-wing redneck homophobic logging whale-killer extremists: take our Franti. Please.

  In terms of conservative comedians you’ve got the inherently amusing Ann Coulter, creator of such outstanding zingers as “My only regret with (Oklahoma bomber) Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to The New York Times building” and, “It would be a much better country if women did not vote.” Last I heard she had a sold-out run at the Hammersmith Apollo with her one-woman stand-up show AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted. Or wait, maybe that was Ice Cube. Anyway, she’s no doubt doing wonders for the cause.

  The same can’t be said of the vast majority of Stormfront members who appear to have trouble with spelling, no doubt sadly setting the cause of white supremacists back a couple of decades or so, and I don’t know whose side serial pest Peter Hore is on, but if he ever professes a love for literature and the Tote Hotel in Collingwood, I’m switching teams.

  Musician Alice Cooper’s a rabid conservative, a fact that no doubt thrills Mr and Mrs Middle America, particularly when the one-time Vincent Furnier wraps himself festively in long-suffering boa constrictors or pretends to hang himself on stage while wearing make-up.

  Who in their right mind would want their personal politics represented by a man who once sang the words, “Thrill my gorilla/ Where were you when the monkey hit the fan?”

  At least Johnny Ramone made decent music and had a nice haircut. And in the end, isn’t that all you want from the spokesperson of your cause? Someone offer Mrs McCulloch a cup of tea and a sit-down—she’s inflicting some major damage.

  GUY RUNDLE

  Don’t worry, just testing

  1. Ban Ki-Moon is:

  a) New secretary-general of the United Nations.

  b) A character in the My Little Pony series.


  c) Both of the above, following a widening of the search for candidates.

  2. Australian of the Year was:

  a) Tim Flannery, for tireless campaigning on global warming.

  b) Ben Cousins, for going for rehab to LA.

  b) Lisa Robertson, who did Ralph Fiennes for nothing on a Qantas flight, the only time a passenger gave complimentary nuts to a hostie.

  3. Princess Mary of Denmark gave birth to a daughter whose half-Australian ancestry was recorded in her name:

  a) Christiana Frederika Beatrix.

  b) Astrid Katarina Gertrud Ophelia Elke Katarina Hentzau von Schlewsig-Holsteinette.

  c) Jaidyn.

  d) Astrid Katarina Jaidyn Katarina.

  4. Widespread drug use in the Tour de France was established among:

  a) The Kazakh team, after they failed random testing.

  b) French competitors, after confessions.

  c) The audience, who couldn’t possibly be watching a month of cycling at 3am, straight.

  5. The Federal Government sent the army into the Northern Territory because:

  a) It wanted to address social dysfunction in Aboriginal communities.

  b) It wanted to experiment with retaking state governments by armed force.

  c) It had run out of foreign desert nations to screw up.

  6. Tony Blair resigned as British Prime Minister in order to maximise the chances of his preferred successor:

  a) Gordon Brown.

  b) David Cameron.

  c) St Paul.

  7. Kevin Rudd published an essay on the German theologian and martyr Dietrich Bonhoeffer written in difficult and uncompromising English because:

  a) Confusion about ALP position on Protestant conception of Trinity really hurt them in 2004.

  b) Still some doubt whether glasses, diplomatic career and smug grin might have absolutely and totally alienated him from voters.

  c) Magazine wouldn’t accept the Mandarin version.

  8. Britney Spears’ skimpily clad comeback appearance on the MTV awards reminded people:

  a) That she could still rock out when she wanted.

  b) That stardom will often take a terrible toll.

  c) To clean out the oven grease-trap.

  9. President-elect Nicolas Sarkozy was unusual for French politicians in:

  a) His commitment to free-market policies.

  b) His pro-Americanism.

  c) Waiting till his wife left him before shagging everything in sight.

  10. Glenn Wheatley was sentenced to a jail term for:

  a) Tax evasion.

  b) That John Farnham farewell tour.

  c) The slack bass line on “Turn Up Your Radio”.

  d) Perception by some that he’s a bit of a dick, though it sounds better in legalese.

  11. Paris Hilton announced she was going to Rwanda for:

  a) A fresh start after her prison sentence.

  b) To draw attention to global suffering.

  c) Diet tips.

  12. The sentencing of Carl Williams to 35 years’ prison assured people that the only gangsters left in Melbourne were:

  a) Safely on the screen, in The Sopranos.

  b) Too busy running the ALP right to disturb anybody.

  c) Out of a job now the drug squad’s been abolished.

  13. President Pervez Musharraf declared a “state of emergency” in Pakistan to perpetuate his power by any means, provoking in the US and Australian governments:

  a) Strong condemnation.

  b) Mild condemnation.

  c) Great interest in the process of implementation.

  14. Russian journalist Alexander Litvinenko was served food glowing bright green in a British restaurant, leading to suspicions:

  a) That he was being poisoned by the Russian Government.

  b) That he was being poisoned by the Russian mafia.

  c) That he was the only person in the country whose lunch had any flavour.

  15. Australian footballer Ben Cousins announced that to undertake rehab for cocaine and other drugs he was going to:

  a) Los Angeles.

  b) Bolivia.

  c) Angelo’s House de Crack, Mogadishu.

  16. The fake news team who managed to get into an APEC meeting were:

  a) The Chaser team.

  b) The Fox News network crew.

  c) Jackie Kelly’s husband, in a dry run.

  17. The outbreak of equine flu resulted in:

  a) Cancellation of several race meetings.

  b) Concern about Australian veterinary procedures.

  c) A public clamour to ban all immigration from Equinia; exposé of their queue-jumping, disease ridden …

  18. John Howard’s loss in the 2007 election was due to the fact that he lacked:

  a) The public affection enjoyed by Peter Costello.

  b) Alexander Downer’s common touch.

  c) Brendan Nelson’s reputation for depth.

  d) The cojones of Vladimir Putin.

  19. Following the election, Peter Garrett was relieved:

  a) Of responsibility for climate change.

  b) Of the role of answering environmental questions in Parliament.

  c) That he didn’t have to dance like a freak on another Midnight Oil tour at the age of 55.

  20. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd announced to the world that the nation would offer an apology for:

  a) The stolen generations policy against the Aborigines.

  b) Supporting the 2008 nuclear attack on Iran.

  c) The achingly obvious symbolism in Jindabyne.

  d) Joe Dolce’s unaccountable failure to deliver a follow-up to “Shaddup You Face”.

  e) Three sodding more years of the same.

  Big shout out to my man Sean Dooley for the disgustingly sexist Ralph Fiennes joke.

  ANSWERS: Oh, come on.

  Society

  MARK DAPIN

  Adventures in LA-Land

  Britney Spears tried to force her way into my hotel late last night. This is not the sort of problem I normally face, but this week I am staying at the five-star Raffles L’Ermitage Beverly Hills. Apparently, Britney (she’s always Britney, never Spears) first attempted to check into the nearby Four Seasons, but was turned away because she was being chased by an incandescence of paparazzi. She ditched her car in the hope of sneaking into L’Ermitage, but the hotel was full. Had she succeeded in getting a room, it would have been the worst at -tempt to escape the press in the history of Los Angeles, since staying at L’Ermitage for an E! channel, pre–Golden Globes international press week are almost two dozen celebrity-watching journalists from around the world. And me.

  Before I was invited to LA, I did not know what E! was (I thought it was a show; it is a channel); I did not know what the Golden Globes were (I thought they were TV awards; they are movie and TV prizes granted by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association); and I did not know what the Hollywood Foreign Press Association was (but that is okay, because nobody else does, either).

  I quickly learn that E! specialises in celebrity gossip and reality TV. Its best-known show in Australia is Girls of the Playboy Mansion, which purports to chronicle the supposedly polygamous life of Hugh Hefner and his three blonde consorts. During the week to come, we will interview Hef and many other stars of E!’s highestrating reality shows and ask them what can be done about Britney.

  I have a luxurious “smart room” at L’Ermitage and, predictably, it is much smarter than I am. When the room turns on background music, I cannot turn it off.

  Once I have persuaded my room to let me out, I join journalists from Italy, France, Spain, Brazil, Germany, OK magazine and Adelaide in L’Ermitage’s breakfast room annexe to await the arrival of the Kardashians. I do not know who they are, either.

  It turns out they star in the E! show Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and they are LA fashion-industry identities of indeterminate ethnicity and perplexing celebrity. The three daughters—Kim, Kourtney and Khloe—are
the children of the late Robert Kardashian, one of O. J. Simpson’s trial lawyers, and their mother, Kris, who performs in infomercials. Kris is now married to former Olympic decathlete Bruce Jenner, who also makes infomercials.

  Mother and daughters are dark and sultry and dressed entirely in black and white. Before they file into the interview room, E! PR consultant Paul Gendreau asks how many of us have had a chance to catch their show. Nobody raises a hand.

  Consequently, the first question the Kardashians face is about Britney.

  Britney, apparently, has said Kim has an “amazing figure”. What is her secret?

  “I work out a lot,” reveals Kim, “but my New Year’s resolution is to eat a little better, because I eat way too much sugar.”

  “Kim actually just finished shooting her new work-out video,” says mom Kris, infomercially. “And it’ll be up on officialkim-kardashian.com.”

  The key word here is “official”. There are many Kim Kardashian sites on the internet, but most of them point to a 30-minute hard-core sex tape made by Kim and her then boyfriend Ray J, a rapper and actor who is known for neither his rapping nor his acting.

  The tape, Kim Kardashian Superstar, is notable for its unusually high production values, and looks more like a pilot for a series than Kim’s friend Paris Hilton’s single-camera tragedy. Episode one of the first season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians deals with Kim’s mortification about the sex tape, and her appearance on The Tyra Banks Show to talk about it. In a later episode, she attempts to put the notoriety even further behind her by posing nude for Playboy magazine.

  E! has barred questions about the sex tape, so there is not much to ask the Kardashians.